Sprouting!

My lettuce seeds have begun to sprout! its quite exciting, but I can't say I've done much work. In fact, God has done most of the work for me as the rain and sun have been taking turns appearing. However, I only go visit my garden once a a day at most. I kinda forgot about it over the weekend, and as a result, my basil plant pretty much died. I know gardening has many parallels with life, but the current one God is challenging me with is prayer. The way I gardening is very much like my prayer life. long story short, I pretty much don't care about it. I don't make any special effort to set aside time to pray. well, not constantly of course. However, with the help of my cousin Roger and Jaeson Ma's blog, I am reminded once again the importance of prayer. I think praying can feel like staring at a plant grow all day... it feels like its gunna take forever to see some result, but after a week or a month, there will be a big difference. maybe a sprout will show, maybe a fruit will bear. but the process takes patience, dedication, and... trust. Praying is loving.

I had many other things in mind, but thats all I can think of for now. OH! I watched Julie and Julia two days ago. I LOVED IT! ill talk more bout it next time.

Spring Break

Spring break started off bad, but ended great! I spent many nights up... (confessions) watching Taiwanese dramas. >.< For those that are wondering which ones, they're Down With Love and Autumn Concerto. I became a big fan of the actors in those shows: Ella Chen from S.H.E (Taiwanese girl singing group) and Vanness Wu (who's an out-spoken Christian and Taiwanese American). I began to really miss Taiwan watching those shows. I also found myself wondering "what if I was like all the ABT (American born Taiwanese) celebrities that go back to Taiwan and become famous? That'd be awesome!" I dont think I can pull off singing, but dancing i can do! It was fun thinking about it, but it was all very self centered. none of that daydreaming had glorifying God in mind. Through this daydreaming, however, two things dawned on me: 1.) Why I am Taiwanese American and 2.) Why I am a Christian.

1.) In watching the Taiwanese dramas, I realized there were many Taiwanese jokes that no matter how good of a job the translators of mysoju.com does, non-taiwanese people just won't understand. Similarly, there are Korean jokes, phrases, sayings, that I'll just never be able to understand in Korean dramas. But, in any case, I felt unique as a Taiwanese American to be able to understand the subtle humour of the Taiwanese drama. Also, a movie called Formosa Betrayed came out during break. The movie was heavily supported by the Taiwanese community across America. My friend, Jon Lee, was the associate producer of the film, which starred James Van Der Beek (better known as Dawson) and Will Tiao (also producer and writer). The film is a political thriller that examines the history behind the tension between China and Taiwan, and China-Taiwan-US relations. It's really interesting. I dont have the time to go into it right now, but yall just gotta go see it. I can more confidently say I am Taiwanese American, and not Chinese. However, it's hard to say that without that background voice saying "and therefore I am better." That's still something I need to fight against. This issue will come up in the future I'm sure.

2.) Staying up to 4, 5,6 am on some nights watching the dramas made me feel sick the next day. not literally, but knowing that I had wasted my life. Mysoju.com admits to "feed your drama addiction." and that's exactly what I felt like, a drama addict. I was chained by it, I couldn't keep myself from not watching. I'm not saying that watching dramas is always bad. But for me, given the time and other circumstances, I was sinning. I was not living for the purposes of God. I was consumed in my own desires, not willing to let it go. Consumed in fantasy, even daydreaming about the episodes I had watched the next day, scenes that interrupt even my prayer times to God. In that, Satan really used it to distract me from God, my family, and my schoolwork. When that starts happening, I knew I wasn't glorifying God, nor living purposefully for Him. What finally saved me from this addiction? Kingdom perspective. I visited my old church this past Sunday and I was really convicted by Hans' message during (and after) service, and Irene's Sunday school lesson. I'm ALWAYS encouraged by them whenever I go back to visit. they're just one of those ppl you wanna be around cuz... you learned from them, their words, their actions, everything about them, you know they're trying to live for God, and they're attempt to live for God in everyway (their marraige, raising Emeth, serving at church, finishing school) is so beautiful. In a few sentences, the message was about living for the kingdom of Heaven. I tried to explain this in a non-Christiany lingo to a friend today, but it was realllly hard. So I'll try again here. Living for the Kingdom of Heaven means, in simpler terms, living for Jesus! haha. Let me explain.... next time!

Sowing the Seeds

First of all, I just wanna say I'm in awe of how Jaeson Ma is able to blog everyday despite his busy schedule JUST to bless those reading it. Also, how Van Ness Wu is able to remain humble and grateful for everything in his life despite his fame and fortunes, and how he's witnessing for Jesus even to his fellow singers and actors in the entertainment industry AND how he's able to also blog at least a few times a month to bless his fans. Also, how Irene, and recently Hans, are blogging truth and light for others as they share about their lives. All of them are my inspiration to blog once a week this summer.

Now onto my main entry...

I started a garden in my backyard last week. It's not very big, but it's my first time gardening so it's enough for me. The reason I wanted to start a garden this year is because I had a crazy idea one night to start a garden on the West Side of Chicago because that area is known as the "food desert" because the communities in that area have little access to fresh produce. I strongly believe that eating healthy is an important investment to obtain a healthier and happier life style. I decided to be a nutrition major this year because the topic of food is just SO interesting! We all know everybody loves food, especially me. But aside from personal preference, there's so many cultural and social-economic aspects to what kinds of food people have access to or buy. Food is an intersect for all sorts of subjects like biology, chemistry, anatomy, social dynamics, psychology, economy, politics (lots more than most people think), business, and well... pretty much all aspects of human life.

As I'm writing this, I'm wondering how I can serve people by being a dietitian. I think more that telling people what they can and cannot eat, I want to just walk along side people, to encourage them to be the best they can be, to be the best they were meant to be, to be the best they were created to be. Being a dietitian isn't just helping people get physically right, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Many people are anorexic or obese because they struggle with deeper psychological or emotional issues. Not even in those extremes, people struggle with they're weight just for various reasons and sometimes they just need a lil help or encouragement. I especially want to work with low-income families. Obesity is highest amongst those living under low income for many many reason. One of which includes the whole flip in the American diet as government-substidized corn have made everything containing high-fructose corn syrup cheaper than ever. Watch Food, inc. if you get the chance. You'll know what I'm talking about more. It also pains me to know so many inner City kids don't even know how to distinguish a tomato from broccoli! They know what fries are, but they don't know what a potato looks like. They know ketchup, but never knew they were made from tomatoes. what is this world coming to???

I think the only thing that's still holding me back from being overly excited about nutrition is the fact they I know I have to change myself first. I have to make some life style changes if I want to tell others what to do. what works and what doesn't. I can't advice others to do something I've never done before. It's like what they tell the leaders at my church (HMCC), you gotta experience it first in order for you to lead your life group members to experience it. That means praying, doing QTs, surrendering, confessing, repenting, sacrificing, loving, caring, etc. That's the hardest part of being a leader. So often times I'm a hypocrite, just like the Pharisees. Tellin' other what to do when I don't do it myself. This is what I fear the most becoming a dietitian. no let me correct that. I don't fear it. I don't fear having to change myself. I don't fear dying to myself. because I know God'll change me for the better. but it's just haaaaaard changing. I dread it. I put it off. Yes, I put off repenting. I considered doing that tonight actually. But now that I said it here, I can't anymore =P

God transform the world. transform me first.
God break the world. break me first.

This is my prayer for myself this summer. That I'd experience transformation and breakage. Please pray for me and keep me accountable.

My prayer for others... (join me if you'd like)
- my Mom and Dad's relationship
- Carrie, for love and patience for her students
- for my aunt to find hope in life through Jesus
- for Irene and Hans, to have a smooth delivery and happy arrival for their second son sometime soon
- for my LG, to keep following Jesus
- for PJ and Grace, to find a lil time to rest this summer

Hopefully by mid-summer, the seeds will start to sprout and even bear fruit, in my life and in my garden! and then hopefully my fruits and veggies will be able to bless others!

People. Conversations. Thoughts.

The first week of Feb. I met up so many people it was ridiculous. But somehow God provided the exact encouragements I needed in the moment of doubt. Here were some conversations and thoughts I had with people with few words summaries of what they were about. This is more for me to remember than for others to understand... cuz people most likely wont ;)

Jan. 29 -Feb. 3, 2010

Fri.: Joey and Aaron "Patience. You're laying the foundation."

Sat.: Grace "Let go and let God. It'll be ok."

Sun.: Joanna "It's ok to doubt. God can handle it."

Mon.: Sophia "Karaoke.", Kristel "learning to think.", Minhee & PJ "Be faithful to the people God's brought.", Inhae "The church is Christ's bride.", Jeka "Pray.", Lauren "sing."

Tues.: Coco "Obama can't try to solve everything, just a few things at a time or nothing will ever get accomplished." & Florida "People can make a difference.", Adoara "training to be a discipler", Aran & Tia "What is so great about God' grace? LG seems like an obligation.", Primo "We are one. We are a family.", Minhee "God loves you. He's soooo good to you." (phone)

Wed.: Roger "When ppl doubt, I ain't worried. God is still gunna be God. That's the truth."

Unexpected Awesomeness

As I was folding my clothes in the laundry room, I felt the urge to talk to the girl standing next to me. The room was silent because all the machines had stopped, and we were alone. I didn't know how to start the conversation, so I did what I always do in silent/awkward situations: sing. I started to hum "Lean on Me" and before I knew it, the girl next to me started humming along! We added in the words and even harmonized! We felt a instant connection through music and it felt oddly natural, as in not awkward at all! Afterwards, we shook hands and exchanged names, info about our majors, dorm floor, etc. I'm thankful to have found a new friend, and now giving me motivation to wash my clothes more often.

"Home Is Where the Heart Is" Reflection

***please read "Home Is Where the Heart" poem in the prior entry first***

If people last year asked me where I thought my home was, I probably would have answered in the west suburbs of Downers Grove without hesitation. However, I consider Chicago as my home more and more now at my second year here at UIC. I wouldn’t say I’m a “true” Chicagoan, but I’m getting there; I want to get there (my definition of a “true” Chicagoan will be explained later). The reason for this change is because the City is now the environment surrounding me that is affecting me, shaping me, and changing my perspective about life, the world, society, and even my own identity.

Having established that my home is now in Chicago, I began to ask myself how I felt and thought about the City. One of the first things I felt was fear and anger as I thought about the City’s corruption, segregation, violence, injustice, and racism. A big part of UIC’s education in the Liberal arts and Science department is learning about the social problems in our society, and living in the City allows us as students to see these problems if we choose to. These thoughts got me really confused because… why would I want Chicago to be my home if this was how I felt about it. I started to think about racial segregation that’s seen so starkly in Chicago neighborhoods and reflected on UIC’s campus although it is one of the most diverse campuses in the US, but one of the most divided. For the most part, from my observation, Asians stick with Asians, Blacks stick with Blacks, Indians with Indians, and so forth. One would think that there would be a lot of opportunities of interracial mingling at such a diverse university, but it’s not happening, at least not to the extent that UIC has the potential to do.

Then, I started to think about all the prejudice and stereotypes people, including myself, have put on one another. I began to write about all the prejudice thoughts I’ve had about each racial group and even collected some ideas from my friends. When I wrote them all down, I got even more scared. But this time, I got scared of myself and how I had thought these things and even believed them at times. I thought about times I’ve walked to the other side of the street when I saw a black man walking toward me at night. Or when I thought Indians and Pakistanis were all mean, selfish, and inconsiderate people because I didn’t like this one Indian girl in my class. So, I really began to question, “Can I consider Chicago my home when I can’t even accept all the different types of people around me? Chicago is such a diverse City, how will I survive with these kinds of thought? Where did these kinds of thought even come from?”

This was when I began to think about the home I grew up in, and how my home during my adolescent years shaped my thinking and attitude about life and about other people. I originally wanted to blame my safe, sheltered environment in the suburbs for not exposing me to the violence, economic injustice, and what not that are more clearly seen in the City. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized those are all excuses. My high school was pretty diverse compared to other high schools around my town. I was educated about social injustice and racism from the books I read and discussions with friends. So again, where did my prejudice come from? I wanted to point the fingers at my parents because all parents have a great influence on how a child thinks during their developmental stages. My parents, both Taiwanese, had prejudice against the Chinese and Indians. Many discussions at the dinner table were about how cheap Indian and Chinese people are when I was growing up. However, I knew they were biased and ignorant because they hardly interacted with Indians and rarely tried to get to know any Chinese. So, my questions still stood. What is the root of my misconceptions?

I finally realized that these thoughts were rooted in my own, pride-ridden heart. I don’t mean to put these labels on people, but I realized living in the City, those thoughts just kind of pop up in my mind. Sometimes, when I walk pass a black person, I think, “don’t think they’re bad or stupid people.” But the fact that I have to remind myself to NOT think that way shows me that I AM thinking that way. I find myself suppressing my prejudice when I ride in the CTA and even in class, consistently reminding myself that I am no better, no smarter than other people. I hope there will come a day when I’ll be humble enough that I won’t have these thoughts about other people. In fact, I constantly ask God fix my heart to give me a heart of humility like Jesus’.

With all that said, the phrase “home is where the heart is” is pretty abstract. It kind of evolved as I was writing my poem from home as an environment to where my literal heart was. Home “as an environment” is where the heart is because, whether we like it or not, we have some sort of connection to the environment we grow up in. This gives us that “homesickness” we feel sometimes. A bit of ourselves, a bit of our hearts stay with the places we grow up in. In another sense, home is where the heart is because what I think and what I say is often a clear a reflection of my heart motives. So, my heart motives itself creates an environment that I can also call my home. It sometimes ain’t a pretty place, but Jesus is fixing it one day at a time.

Back to what I mentioned earlier about what it means to be a true Chicagoan, I believe a “true” Chicagoan is someone who really has a heart for Chicago; one who is really aware and actually cares about what’s going on, and one who is determined to make a difference. Someone could have grown up in Chicago all their lives and not be a “true” Chicagoan because they don’t give a crap about issues that are affecting people everyday. I think this is true for any town or city. Therefore, this is why I say Chicago is becoming my home: I am growing a bigger heart for my City, my home.

(Note: this was an assignment for my Asian American Literature seminar)

Home is Where the Heart is

Walkin down the streets

Of Chi-Town City

To the left, to the right

All these different people around me

Which got me thinkin

Is Chi-Town really now my home to be?

Cuz you see

I have all these cultural prejudice

I fear myself cuz

I don’t even know how I came to this

I fear robbers, dealers, rapists, and killers

Poppin up in allies, in crime alerts

To no one’s surprise 95% reported are black

Then I start to think

Damn those perpetrators

Fillin up statistics to prove it’s explicit

The problem of the city has a color.

And it’s black

Home is where the heart is

Damn, how did I come thinking this?

Home is where the heart is

Who can save a sick heart like this?

Most people won’t even admit

But they too have thought it:

Blacks from the South

Pollutin’ our City with violence

Givin’ us fame as the number one state

In highest number of murders in the U.S.A.

Browns are cheap, and yes, they do cheat

Doin’ American jobs all the way from India

Managing Dunkin Donuts, Subways

Speak English, I can’t understand ya!

Yellows are all smart and nerdy

They always squinty cuz their eyes so chinky

Over-populating our suburbs cities

With extensive exclusivity

Latinos, all illegals

Ship ‘em back!

unless they good at mowing the lawn

or makin’ cheap clothes

Whites… (I had a harder time with this one)

Stupid blondes, stupid jocks

Privileged and unappreciative

Drunk hillbillies rednecks

Whites, yes, they’re the racists

STOP! That’s enough!

It’s time to reexamine

The roots of these misconceptions

Seeded in my home that manifests these perceptions

Home is where the heart is

My heart don’t wanna deal with this

Home is where the heart is

Shute, I don’t even know where my heart is!

You see, home ain’t a set location

It’s an environment we were raised up in

An environment that shapes our identity

Affects our thinking about our humanity

What we believe, how we perceive,

Why we act the way we do

It also shapes our attitudes

In an environment there are people

Parents, siblings, neighbors

Friends, teachers, pastors

Inspiring us, corrupting us

Into extraordinary or messed up people

In an environment there are spaces

Single houses with pools enclosed by fences

Lakefront Condos in Five Star High rises

Or trailer parks, cheap motels

Low-class apartments with cracked up stairwells

Temporary, packed-in, no room for luxury

What about…

Parks, schools with playgrounds and fields

Or gang infested lots, big guns, but no shields

Hmm…

Artopolus, Italian Village, Joyee’s, and Bennigan’s

Or McDonald’s, Burger King,

Only a dollar per person

These places create spaces

That make the environment we’re raised up in

Home is where the heart is

My heart was safe, like the ones enclosed by fences

Home is where the heart is

My heart was free, to play in the park

Without a worry for gang-affiliated violence

I grew up in a suburb

A quiet place of comfort

My high school was pretty diverse

I had friends of all different colors

Yes, there were still divisions

Assorted degrees of animosity

Within the student body

But nothing like what I see in the City

Chicago is Great!

One of the most diverse cities

The reason I came to UIC instead of Champaign

But it’s also one of the most segregated

Economically, racially

Extreme visibility

CTA transportation shows clear this city’s condition

Majority used by minorities

Charged even more for the City’s deficiencies

Further increasing economic inequality

Continuation, the history of segregation

This is Chi-City’s sick condition

Like the minds of many of its citizens

Stereotypes, prejudice

Never thought I was a racist

So why did I take in those deceptions?

Even unconsciously, unwillingly

Start believing them at times

When I came to the city

They popped up even more frequently in my mind

I can blame my environment

People, my parents

But ultimately…

Home is where the heart is

My heart, the seeds of these misconceptions

My heart, sickened with pride

Taking in lies

Constantly fed with non-sense information

My heart, stained by iniquity

This is the state of humanity

Home is where the heart is

Who can save a sick heart like this?

The answer is Jesus.