People. Conversations. Thoughts.

The first week of Feb. I met up so many people it was ridiculous. But somehow God provided the exact encouragements I needed in the moment of doubt. Here were some conversations and thoughts I had with people with few words summaries of what they were about. This is more for me to remember than for others to understand... cuz people most likely wont ;)

Jan. 29 -Feb. 3, 2010

Fri.: Joey and Aaron "Patience. You're laying the foundation."

Sat.: Grace "Let go and let God. It'll be ok."

Sun.: Joanna "It's ok to doubt. God can handle it."

Mon.: Sophia "Karaoke.", Kristel "learning to think.", Minhee & PJ "Be faithful to the people God's brought.", Inhae "The church is Christ's bride.", Jeka "Pray.", Lauren "sing."

Tues.: Coco "Obama can't try to solve everything, just a few things at a time or nothing will ever get accomplished." & Florida "People can make a difference.", Adoara "training to be a discipler", Aran & Tia "What is so great about God' grace? LG seems like an obligation.", Primo "We are one. We are a family.", Minhee "God loves you. He's soooo good to you." (phone)

Wed.: Roger "When ppl doubt, I ain't worried. God is still gunna be God. That's the truth."

Unexpected Awesomeness

As I was folding my clothes in the laundry room, I felt the urge to talk to the girl standing next to me. The room was silent because all the machines had stopped, and we were alone. I didn't know how to start the conversation, so I did what I always do in silent/awkward situations: sing. I started to hum "Lean on Me" and before I knew it, the girl next to me started humming along! We added in the words and even harmonized! We felt a instant connection through music and it felt oddly natural, as in not awkward at all! Afterwards, we shook hands and exchanged names, info about our majors, dorm floor, etc. I'm thankful to have found a new friend, and now giving me motivation to wash my clothes more often.

"Home Is Where the Heart Is" Reflection

***please read "Home Is Where the Heart" poem in the prior entry first***

If people last year asked me where I thought my home was, I probably would have answered in the west suburbs of Downers Grove without hesitation. However, I consider Chicago as my home more and more now at my second year here at UIC. I wouldn’t say I’m a “true” Chicagoan, but I’m getting there; I want to get there (my definition of a “true” Chicagoan will be explained later). The reason for this change is because the City is now the environment surrounding me that is affecting me, shaping me, and changing my perspective about life, the world, society, and even my own identity.

Having established that my home is now in Chicago, I began to ask myself how I felt and thought about the City. One of the first things I felt was fear and anger as I thought about the City’s corruption, segregation, violence, injustice, and racism. A big part of UIC’s education in the Liberal arts and Science department is learning about the social problems in our society, and living in the City allows us as students to see these problems if we choose to. These thoughts got me really confused because… why would I want Chicago to be my home if this was how I felt about it. I started to think about racial segregation that’s seen so starkly in Chicago neighborhoods and reflected on UIC’s campus although it is one of the most diverse campuses in the US, but one of the most divided. For the most part, from my observation, Asians stick with Asians, Blacks stick with Blacks, Indians with Indians, and so forth. One would think that there would be a lot of opportunities of interracial mingling at such a diverse university, but it’s not happening, at least not to the extent that UIC has the potential to do.

Then, I started to think about all the prejudice and stereotypes people, including myself, have put on one another. I began to write about all the prejudice thoughts I’ve had about each racial group and even collected some ideas from my friends. When I wrote them all down, I got even more scared. But this time, I got scared of myself and how I had thought these things and even believed them at times. I thought about times I’ve walked to the other side of the street when I saw a black man walking toward me at night. Or when I thought Indians and Pakistanis were all mean, selfish, and inconsiderate people because I didn’t like this one Indian girl in my class. So, I really began to question, “Can I consider Chicago my home when I can’t even accept all the different types of people around me? Chicago is such a diverse City, how will I survive with these kinds of thought? Where did these kinds of thought even come from?”

This was when I began to think about the home I grew up in, and how my home during my adolescent years shaped my thinking and attitude about life and about other people. I originally wanted to blame my safe, sheltered environment in the suburbs for not exposing me to the violence, economic injustice, and what not that are more clearly seen in the City. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized those are all excuses. My high school was pretty diverse compared to other high schools around my town. I was educated about social injustice and racism from the books I read and discussions with friends. So again, where did my prejudice come from? I wanted to point the fingers at my parents because all parents have a great influence on how a child thinks during their developmental stages. My parents, both Taiwanese, had prejudice against the Chinese and Indians. Many discussions at the dinner table were about how cheap Indian and Chinese people are when I was growing up. However, I knew they were biased and ignorant because they hardly interacted with Indians and rarely tried to get to know any Chinese. So, my questions still stood. What is the root of my misconceptions?

I finally realized that these thoughts were rooted in my own, pride-ridden heart. I don’t mean to put these labels on people, but I realized living in the City, those thoughts just kind of pop up in my mind. Sometimes, when I walk pass a black person, I think, “don’t think they’re bad or stupid people.” But the fact that I have to remind myself to NOT think that way shows me that I AM thinking that way. I find myself suppressing my prejudice when I ride in the CTA and even in class, consistently reminding myself that I am no better, no smarter than other people. I hope there will come a day when I’ll be humble enough that I won’t have these thoughts about other people. In fact, I constantly ask God fix my heart to give me a heart of humility like Jesus’.

With all that said, the phrase “home is where the heart is” is pretty abstract. It kind of evolved as I was writing my poem from home as an environment to where my literal heart was. Home “as an environment” is where the heart is because, whether we like it or not, we have some sort of connection to the environment we grow up in. This gives us that “homesickness” we feel sometimes. A bit of ourselves, a bit of our hearts stay with the places we grow up in. In another sense, home is where the heart is because what I think and what I say is often a clear a reflection of my heart motives. So, my heart motives itself creates an environment that I can also call my home. It sometimes ain’t a pretty place, but Jesus is fixing it one day at a time.

Back to what I mentioned earlier about what it means to be a true Chicagoan, I believe a “true” Chicagoan is someone who really has a heart for Chicago; one who is really aware and actually cares about what’s going on, and one who is determined to make a difference. Someone could have grown up in Chicago all their lives and not be a “true” Chicagoan because they don’t give a crap about issues that are affecting people everyday. I think this is true for any town or city. Therefore, this is why I say Chicago is becoming my home: I am growing a bigger heart for my City, my home.

(Note: this was an assignment for my Asian American Literature seminar)

Home is Where the Heart is

Walkin down the streets

Of Chi-Town City

To the left, to the right

All these different people around me

Which got me thinkin

Is Chi-Town really now my home to be?

Cuz you see

I have all these cultural prejudice

I fear myself cuz

I don’t even know how I came to this

I fear robbers, dealers, rapists, and killers

Poppin up in allies, in crime alerts

To no one’s surprise 95% reported are black

Then I start to think

Damn those perpetrators

Fillin up statistics to prove it’s explicit

The problem of the city has a color.

And it’s black

Home is where the heart is

Damn, how did I come thinking this?

Home is where the heart is

Who can save a sick heart like this?

Most people won’t even admit

But they too have thought it:

Blacks from the South

Pollutin’ our City with violence

Givin’ us fame as the number one state

In highest number of murders in the U.S.A.

Browns are cheap, and yes, they do cheat

Doin’ American jobs all the way from India

Managing Dunkin Donuts, Subways

Speak English, I can’t understand ya!

Yellows are all smart and nerdy

They always squinty cuz their eyes so chinky

Over-populating our suburbs cities

With extensive exclusivity

Latinos, all illegals

Ship ‘em back!

unless they good at mowing the lawn

or makin’ cheap clothes

Whites… (I had a harder time with this one)

Stupid blondes, stupid jocks

Privileged and unappreciative

Drunk hillbillies rednecks

Whites, yes, they’re the racists

STOP! That’s enough!

It’s time to reexamine

The roots of these misconceptions

Seeded in my home that manifests these perceptions

Home is where the heart is

My heart don’t wanna deal with this

Home is where the heart is

Shute, I don’t even know where my heart is!

You see, home ain’t a set location

It’s an environment we were raised up in

An environment that shapes our identity

Affects our thinking about our humanity

What we believe, how we perceive,

Why we act the way we do

It also shapes our attitudes

In an environment there are people

Parents, siblings, neighbors

Friends, teachers, pastors

Inspiring us, corrupting us

Into extraordinary or messed up people

In an environment there are spaces

Single houses with pools enclosed by fences

Lakefront Condos in Five Star High rises

Or trailer parks, cheap motels

Low-class apartments with cracked up stairwells

Temporary, packed-in, no room for luxury

What about…

Parks, schools with playgrounds and fields

Or gang infested lots, big guns, but no shields

Hmm…

Artopolus, Italian Village, Joyee’s, and Bennigan’s

Or McDonald’s, Burger King,

Only a dollar per person

These places create spaces

That make the environment we’re raised up in

Home is where the heart is

My heart was safe, like the ones enclosed by fences

Home is where the heart is

My heart was free, to play in the park

Without a worry for gang-affiliated violence

I grew up in a suburb

A quiet place of comfort

My high school was pretty diverse

I had friends of all different colors

Yes, there were still divisions

Assorted degrees of animosity

Within the student body

But nothing like what I see in the City

Chicago is Great!

One of the most diverse cities

The reason I came to UIC instead of Champaign

But it’s also one of the most segregated

Economically, racially

Extreme visibility

CTA transportation shows clear this city’s condition

Majority used by minorities

Charged even more for the City’s deficiencies

Further increasing economic inequality

Continuation, the history of segregation

This is Chi-City’s sick condition

Like the minds of many of its citizens

Stereotypes, prejudice

Never thought I was a racist

So why did I take in those deceptions?

Even unconsciously, unwillingly

Start believing them at times

When I came to the city

They popped up even more frequently in my mind

I can blame my environment

People, my parents

But ultimately…

Home is where the heart is

My heart, the seeds of these misconceptions

My heart, sickened with pride

Taking in lies

Constantly fed with non-sense information

My heart, stained by iniquity

This is the state of humanity

Home is where the heart is

Who can save a sick heart like this?

The answer is Jesus.