It's ALL about Jesus

It's been a while since my last post. but i've actually started 3 posts since then, but havent finished any of them. It takes me too long and i just give up after attempting to write my thoughts down after 2 hrs, yet producing only one paragraph. I hate it. I wish i was better with my words. I wish i was good at rhyming and writing lyrics that Lauren Hill. I wanna rap. I wanna do Spoken Word. I wanna dance and play the djembe. just need time and practice i guess... and a djembe.

Poem inspired by Seda...

These Clothes on My Back (part 1)

these clothes on my back
hidin the shame, the guilt, the pain
underneath these fig leaves, bare with fear
attempting to hide, even to lie, to deny
the one and only Creator, my Savior

I wear my confession
needing Independence, my misconception
this rag remindin me
this was not how I was meant to be

I dont deserve to wear no other
than these rags, marked by scarlet letter
remindin me, I am a sinner!
symbolized by these clothes on my back


God's been reminding me that I'm not as I think I am. I did not choose Jesus. but he chose me. nothing about me deserves forgiveness. deserves acceptance. deserves rewards. God doesnt owe me anything. Often i forget this because after being a Christian for a while, I start thinking "look God! I'm growing in my faith, I'm learning about you, I'm reading the Bible and praying, I'm serving in the church and trying to love your people, you gotta bless me a lil. you gotta show yourself to me, cuz you know.. i'm.. i'm seeking after you, i'm depending on you. So, God, you gotta do this for me, you gotta do this for my Life Group, you gotta do this and that in our church." Now there's no problem with asking for God to work in people's hearts or bless others and myself. But on what bases? Is it to glorify God or is it because I "did" something for God? my attitude has been more along the lines of the latter, that God owes me something because I gave my life to Him. Writing it out now just makes it sound even more ridiculous. I'm the one that owe God MY life because HE gave HIS life for me. It's a payment I'll never be able to come up with no matter what I do "for him." This is what God's been reminding me with "these clothes on my back."

My youth director's wife has been posting up blogs titled "the necessity of clothing." All I gotta say is... it's all about Jesus. the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the songs we sing, the homework we do, the community we try to build, the longs drives to Evanston, the 6:30am morning prayer, the 7:30pm prayer, the games we played at H-Games, the relationships we invest in.... it's ALLLL about Jesus. it's hard to explain, but when things are put in that perspective, all of those things listed above gains SO much more significance. P. Seth spoke about God's sovereignty last Sunday. and again, it's all about Jesus, God's ultimate glory. I've been reading through the book of John and this passage is from John 17:1-5...

"Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. 2For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. 3Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began."

I think Jesus is talking something about his glory if i'm reading correctly. actually in ch. 16 and throughout 17, Jesus talks about God's glory given to Jesus, and how Jesus give His glory to His disciples.

DANG! even as I'm typing this right now the song "Shine" by Matt Redman is playing on Pandora! with lyrics:

We will shine like stars in the universe,
Holding out Your truth in the darkest place.
We´ll be living for Your glory,
Jesus we´ll be living for Your glory.
We will burn so bright with Your praise O God,
And declare Your light to this broken world.
We´ll be living for Your glory,
Jesus we´ll be living for Your glory."

even as we shared out testimonies this week at LIFE Group, I give him glory for being faithful and sovereign in each of our lives and bringing us all together in the CMW lounge on a Wednesday.

aight. my 2 hrs has passed. I'm goin out for a walk in da city! peace.

a bridge, I am

I really dont know what this entry is going to be on. i just wanted to write cuz there's a lot on my mind. no time to sort em out. So i apologise before hand for any unclearity.

ride back home was silent
so awkward between my parents
I sat in the back with realization
that I just came home to this messed-up situation

at dinner my dad ate silently
my mom talked unendingly
about what she thinks she knows about Christianity
occasionally, dad jumping in with assumptions and generalizations. futility
often times i have to correct her, correct him
but even more times, I am the bridge between them

a bridge, I am
as i sat between them on the couch
a bridge, I am
as they talked indirectly talk to each other by talking to me
a bridge, I am
after a fight, they just want someone to understand
although they themselves really don't

There are other things in mind too: retreat (still working on that blog), church community, LCG, sins, ninja (the game), pride, loving people, not-caring about people, nutrition, TAF Chicago, my sister.

I told myself I want my blog to be a blessing for other ppl rather than ranting about my own life. but..... maybe next time.

For Me

To tell you the truth, I was gunna to give up bloggin cuz i wasn't gettin any comments for a while. I thought, what's the point if ppl aren't reading? and if they ARE reading, why write if they don't care enough to leave a comment? selfish. i know. but that's just kinda how i am when it comes to blogging. If ppl aint gunna care for it, i'd rather just write in my journal. BUT I think i should do this for me... i guess. it might help me sort out my thoughts through out the yr. or just take up more of my time. still deciding tho...

randoms:

"I guess" has been my favorite phrase these past few days.

I was at a Grace's memorial and and Jeff's mom's funeral this past weekend, and i just can't help but to think about my own death. I'm not being morbid or wutever. but just kinda fun to think about. I really hope there will be a celebration at my memorial, too. with people dancing, jumpin up and down, and singing their hearts out. I'd wanna hear people sing Israel Houghton's "Rejoice!" song at my memorial/funeral while im up there with Jesus. I love that song!

I finally rode?/rid?/past-tense-of-ride? on my scooter around campus today. i love it! it's kinda ghetto cuz the handles are slippin off and its rusty. but it gets me places 3x as fast and is easier to maneuver than a skateboard. except i cant figure out how to fold it. wutever, its fun to be on wheels =) sorry, Inhae ;P

i reallllly want a djeme, or just ANY percussion instrument to play on. Oh dear drums, when will we finally meet??

poems, lyrical, and spoken word? i wanna learn. I love Lauryn Hill. keep writin poems Minhee!

Family... Jesus answers prayers. but still SO MUCH more work to be done. quick update: my parents got into a huge fight last saturday. didnt want to talk to each other, talk about giving up. My Uncle who's been trying to help them communicate came back from Houston called yesterday, told me he's gunna keep helping and encouraging me to support my parents. He went over to my house yesterday and sat down with both of em apparently. I got a call last night from my dad in tears telling me that things are gunna be ok. They talked it out and they're gunna keep trying to mend their relationship. My mom was in tears, too. and so was my uncle. So I have no idea what went down, but I know it's God's mercy and grace every step forward they take. Thank you Lord for providing my Uncle to help share the burden. and thank you for all the people that kept my family and I in their prayers. and for brothers and sisters that are comforting me and encouraging me along the way.

Old School Tunes

Bobby Darin: silly man, legendary

I miss old school tunes man. they're so fun and simple, and lively. Singers back then could improvise on the spot, mess up their own songs to have fun a lil. unlike songs ppl sing written by others now a days and leaving no room for improv even if they do write their own songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvBtE_Rheho&feature=related

enjoy!

This is Our God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwfHkZOU1_o&feature=PlayList&p=73C72770FBFCD9E7&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=40

Amen.

Emotionally Drained

first thing in the morning i get a call from my sister at 7:30am about family issues, 8am susan calls me and starts telling me wuts been going on, all afternoon talking, praying, listening to susan, now talked for an hour with my dad, and i still gotta write this paper.... im SO drained emotionally.... i just want to sleep. but i cant. i still have a paper to write.

not only that, but its been such a roller coaster emotionally. even today. starting the day crying from talking to my sister, hurting for susan. then going to Cityserve, super excited to serve and talk to the women there. instead, i was talking to susan, and hurting even more for her because of wut she's going through. For dinner, i was SUPER excited going out to eat at Sushi parra with yoonsun, peter, minhee, and tia. Then coming back to my dorm, balling as i was talking to my dad. I'm just emotionally drained from today. i just want to sleep. but i cant. i still have a paper to write.

God HATES Divorce

What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 1
Sermon by John Piper

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/135/2209_What_God_Has_Joined_Together_Let_Not_Man_Separate_Part_1/

Mark 10:1-12

The radical call of Jesus never to divorce and remarry is a declaration of the gospel by which people who have failed may be saved.

Keep your marriage vows in such a way as to tell the truth about the unbreakable covenant love of Christ.

FAIL. Mercy. Grace. Thanks.

I just wanna give some quick THANK YOUs to people who brightened my FAIL day even more than the sun did.

Thanks Carrie, for being my older sister. for realz.

Thanks Inhae, for staying up with me and trying to help me when I was super frustrated. seriously, thanks for being there. I'm afraid you'll have to put with more of this next year! ;)

Thanks Minhee, for giving me a hug in the morning. It gave me strength to face my teacher and reassured me things would be alright.

Thanks Stella, for the quick lunch and 5 minute convo.

Thanks Tia, for the quick hug. I love hugs!... well, at least from people I know.. preferably. haha....

Thanks PETER!! for letting me ride your long board and telling me to kick off my heels to skate around. seriously, that made my day! you have no idea. It was quite liberating.

Thanks Yoon Sun, for asking how I was doing. funnily, when you asked me that, I felt really cared for. ^__^

Thanks Min Hee, for getting me to run around outside because you LIED to me! hehe. I'm just playin'. it was fun.

Thanks Hyun Seo, for... being you.

I felt like a failure today. I pretty much was cuz I no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't write my paper due today. I ended up writing an email to my teacher to ask for an extension. The first thing she said to me in class was to stop worrying. I think she could see my frustration and tiredness on my face. but ya, I started to tear up after she said that. its silly, i know. but i couldnt help it. My fate was in her hands. I knew I didnt deserve an extension. I knew what I deserved was an F. Yet, she was so nice about it. She said she'd work with me to get through this. I dont deserve it. I'm a failure. All I could depend on was mercy and grace. sound familiar?

Thanks God, for this illustration of your mercy to me today, and the ULTIMATE grace through Jesus Christ.

Oh Happy Day

Christ has risen INDEED! Now that lent is over, I'm back! well, sorta, I'm still too lazy to update my blog all the time, but I have AWESOME news that I just HAVE TO share about!

I went home last night, sorta last minute, but I felt like I needed to go home cuz during Good Friday Service at NU, I felt an enormous amount of sadness as P. Jimmy was praying for me and my family knowing that my dad was going to be home alone during Easter. even more so knowing that He hasn't accepted Christ as his Lord. As many of you know, there's some issues between my parents marriage that been rising up. it's been quite a roller coaster ride of emotions. I really have no idea what to do or say to my dad, but all i know is that he needs people in his life to point him toward Jesus, and I'm probably the closest person to him right now to do that. that's why I felt like I needed tobe home, especially in light of Easter.

I got home around 9:30pm, Dad picked me up, went home, and within 30minutes, my dad cooks up a feast: fish, pork chop, tofu, vegies, and miso soup. We talked... about a lot of things. But mainly, I encouraged him to turn to God in this time alone just as my mom has been turning to God and reading the bible and praying. He just said, yeah, I know I should. THEN, my dad and I called my mom and sister via Skype last night, and my parents saw each other for the first time since last september! I won't lie, it was kinda awkward. my parents don't know how to talk to each other, as weird as that sounds, they really don't. my sister talked about her job for the most part. but my mom and dad didnt really talk to each other. oh well. i was still happy.

So all this was saturday night. Come Sunday morning, I got an email from my sister telling me that MY MOM GOT BAPTIZED!!!!!!!! My mom didnt tell my sister either until sunday morning cuz she wanted for it to be a surprise. but she had been thinking about it for a while now apparently. but PRAISE GOD!!!! THEN... Dad and I went to church at CCMC! this wasn't the first time he's gone to CCMC, but today was the first time he stayed afterwards for lunch and talked to people! haha, this is very exciting for me (as little as it may be) cuz he REALLY needs a community right now. he needs some friends. he's lonely. better yet, he needs a Christian community to point him to Jesus. Hopefully he was able to make some connections through that. It was kinda hard to get him to go. He wanted to leave after service, but I really had to encourage him to go eat with people. haha, YAY! Success!!

So, my Easter morning started super well and it ended that way too as I celebrated Easter with my church family at HMCC. I went to Yoonsun's where they were cooking potatoes and corn. I didnt do much cuz I got there late. but Min Hee straightened my hair (it made me look 10x older! jk, maybe like a few yrs older). and then Stella and I went around CMW again inviting ppl out to service. no one came, but it was good letting ppl know there's a church on campus. THEN, came the Partay!! Easter Celebration was Awesome! It was really cool to see new faces: Susan, Tito, Aran, LJ, Angelo, Tess, Josh, Mike, Dan, Phelix, Matt. and all the HELPS ppl came too: Christy, Levina, David. Afterwards, we ate dinner at TBH. it was a great time of fellowship. a Happy Day indeed.

Prayer Requests

I said I wouldn't blog anymore during lent, but this one isn't for me, but for some friends I've been reaching out to. I am asking all of you who read my blog to be part of this ministry of reaching out to my two friends in particular, Susan and Luci, by praying for them and for me. I have had the privilege to be able to share the Gospel to both of them via AIM/Facebook this past year. Susan accepted Christ last week! and Luci is curious and open to learning more about Christianity. Although you guys may not be in direct contact with them, you can be a part of what God wants to do in their lives by praying for them, and for me to seize those opportunities God will continue to provide to share the love of Christ to them through whatever means. please keep in mind (i'm telling myself this) that it's not about me, but God who is working, so HE deserves ALL the glory and praise! so the next time any of you see me, don't praise me for sharing the Gospel, it feeds my pride (which is an issue I've been dealing with a lot this past week), even though it's nothing to be proud of since that's what we should be doing ALL the time. But just ask how Susan and Luci are doing and how you can pray for them. That would be more encouraging for me, knowing that you guys are praying for them.

So, here are some prayer requests for them:

Susan:
- sprititual protection as a new believer from sprititual attacks
- for doors to open for her to get connected to community at HMCC
- breaking the resistance from parents for her to go to church
- to know Jesus more as her personal Lord and Savior and realize the fulness of His love for her

Luci (list she shared with me):
- for her to come to know Christ as Lord and Savior
- dealing with self-esteem and self-image issues
- lacking motivation to do good in school and even stay in college
- hurt from her past relationship

busy. crazy. blessing.

My past Wed thru Thursday:

woke up at 7-9am: finished Leviticus (half asleep... that's why it took me so long! XP)
9-10:30am: went back to bed
11-12pm: met with Juhae. ate lunch together in the Cafeteria and to catch up.
12-1pm: doing Spanish QUIA hwk with Jessica Price (Danielle's friend from Bulls game)
1-3:15pm: Susan she accepted Christ!!! after sharing the Gospel with her on different occasions, reading through the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Christ in Luke, sharing my testimony, her sharing her sins and experiences, and praying together, she came to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior! Hallelujah! She said she felt this pressure lifted off from her after she prayed for forgiveness of her sins and for Jesus to come into her life, and she that felt a warmth inside of her that unlike anything she's experienced before for the rest of that day. Praise God! and pray for her to be connected with the HMCC community and spiritual protection!
4-5pm: Chem Lecture
5:15pm-next morning: stayed over at Minhee's. It was a crazy night. Hyung Seo unni came over too and we ate pasta, mandu, and garlic bread. we also went on a quick trip to JST for drinks and played APPLE-to-APPLE. and Hyung Seo shared this crazy story from a manga she just read with us, and we were extremely confused through the whole explanation. but its ok, we still love you Hyung Seo! I stayed up all night that night to write my HON 127 paper.
10am: went to Jamba Juice to get $1 oatmeal with Minhee and Hyung Seo
11-12pm: Prayer walk with Inhae. We prayed for SO many topics and people... I was blessed =)
12:30-1:45pm: HON 127 class
2-3pm: chilled with Jeka Ma, who was visiting UIC
3-4pm: Span 104
4-5:15pm: Soc 105. We had a guess speaker that day in class. He had experienced homelessness and he was just sharing his experience and urging us to be the generation to care and show compassion to those in need. His presentation made me wanna go into social work. hmm... we'll see.
5:30-6:30pm: Chem exam review
6:30-8:30pm-ish: shower and walked to Walgreen and Dominick's to get envelopes and stamps
9pm-friday morning: sleepover at Yoonsun's. I had another paper to write for Soc 105 and didn't want to stay in my room cuz my bed would be taunting me to curl inside my blankets and never come out. Yoonsun fed me yummy Korean snacks and Shin La Men and homemade Kimchi! =9

Friday was a crazy day too. but... maybe next time. I'm tired. why am I still up?

=P

an "organ" fell out of my nose today.

verse to memorize this week:

1. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

I like this verse cuz I've been anxious about many things. I'm thankful that God promises peace. I need peace. I need Jesus.

2. "Then Jesus said to his Disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross (daily) and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." - Matthew 16:24-25

This is a daily struggle for all of us as Christians, but one that is totally worth it!

Fave Songs

These 3 songs basically kept me going during rough times in high school:
1. Promise- Kapano Green (http://sherryberry224.blogspot.com/2008/10/promise.html)

2. It Is Well with My Soul- Horatio G. Spafford and Phillip P. Bliss:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, o, the joy of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Man, after reading the lyrics again, I REALLY REALLY love this song!

3. Everlasting God- New Life Worship:

One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

One thing I know that I believe
Through every blessing I receive
You are the only One that stays, You always stay

Chorus:
You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
Everlasting God

I was reminded of this song after reading an entry on Emeth's blog:
"the steadfast love of the Lord never seizes. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness." =) crazy how many references there are to God's steadfast love and faithfulness through out the Bible. I used to not really like the name Emeth (sorry Hans and Irene =P), but now that I know what it means, his name will forever remind me of God's faithfulness. Thaaaaanks!!!

Walking in My Rain Boots

I went for a prayer walk out in the rain this afternoon, under my umbrella, in my blue poki-dotted rain boots. I had a lot of fun! It drizzled for a few minutes, poured the next. I love my rain boots. my sister gave em to me. :) I think I've written about this before... o well. I had a lot in my mind, mostly about frienships. but I gotta say, I had a hard time praying. I've been realizing more and more of my inability to pray with words. like, not only does it not sound fluent or elegant like some other people, but its just sometimes... so bleh. "Spiritual" or "Christianly" words just don't work with me any more. They ain't comin to me lately like they used to, you know?... maybe that's a good thing. That's why I really want to learn how to pray with the Words from the Bible. One of my commitments for lent is to memorize at least 2 verses a week. It's nothing big like memorizing one verse a day, but for me it's quite significant. Also, the prayer we did during women's mentorship was REALLY awesome! I don't think I've ever prayed through a passage before. I want to do that more, too.

As I was walking around, many songs popped into my head: Message of the Cross, Amazing Grace, It is Well with My Soul, and other ones I can't remember right now. I took about 10 minutes standing on the second floor of BSB (after you go up the stairs) to stop singing, stop praying, stop walking, and to just pause and listen for God. well, I didn't hear anything from Him. I don't know what He wanted me to get out of this prayer walk. but maybe next time, eh?

Today: Saw and gave a hug to Luci and Janaan. Studied Spanish with Jessica Price. Had dinner with Beth, Jeka, and Jai. Had Women's mentorship with Life Group women. Briefly chatted with Susan on AIM.

God provides.

Help!

I realized the past week I've been feeling a little weary, uneasy because I can't keep track of all the people God has placed in my life and those that He's been calling me to reach out to. there are those relationships I started in the beginning of the school year that I want to maintain, but it's hard because I'm spending a lot of time deepening those relationships within my Life Group (especially during 2nd semester). And on top of that there are those that I've just recently met that I want to share the Gospel with through building that relationship with them.

These are all the names that have been running through my mind even in just these past 3 days:
Kristine
Mike (from Nigeria)
Luci and Janaan
Amber and Grace
Dawn
Rim Pierre
Amanda G. (lab partner)
Aran (firsbee teammate)
David Dolvio and Tito
Susan Zhou
Hannah and Tia (and all the Life Group Girls)
even the Grad Life Group women (Joanna, Sandy, Danielle, and Lisa)
Evanston Freshmen
Eric Kao, Hus, Kevin
Peter and Nate
Elizabeth, Bethanie, Jeka, Jai, Gloria, Rebeccah, Sophia
my roommate Marty
Sharon Hong, Grace Yu, Juhae
Iris and Jeni
Ultimate Frisbee teammates
Sarah Kim (from ACW)
Jessica (from Bulls game) and Carline (from Spanish)

What I'm trying to say is that I need help. I feel like for a lot of the new people coming out to Life Group or visiting or wanting to visit that I'm the only connection they have. like for Susan, Luci, Janaan, Kristine, Amber, Grace, Aran, and Gisel. I have no idea how how yall can help. but maybe the next time they come out, get their number, make a harder effort to talk to them and get to know them, and help me text/call them up on Tuesday nights for LG, Friday nights for ACCESS, and Sunday celebrations. I know that they know me better, so I should be the one calling them up, and believe me, I have. But it does get a little discouraging when they keep saying "I can't" or "maybe next time." I know I need to keep trying to build that relationship, keep praying for them, and keep persisting to invite them out. I'm not feeling overwhelmed... yet. and maybe I'm just thinking about people too much. But I've had moments where I have this huge list of people in my mind and have no idea who to call or how to plan my days. I guess I should just take one day at a time, do whatever I can each day.

Reminder: it ain't about what I do either, It's ultimately God who calls His children to Him and He who initiates the relationship. He is in control!

Challenge of faith: to pray for every encounter /meeting I have with the names of people I've mentioned

God spoke to me this morning. He said, "Love others, just as I have loved you."
Love others sacrificially, with my time, money, energy.

Prayer Request: For strength and courage to continue to reach out and demonstrating a love that can only come from Christ.

My Re-Birthday

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! I had a blessed day. ^__^

Something that dawned on me at prayer meeting this morning was that... I wanted to celebrate not so much my BIRTHday, but my RE-birthday. I don't know what day it was exactly when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, but how much more to celebrate on the day I found Truth and Purpose in my life. Therefore, I wanted this day to be a celebration not for my birthday, but my Re-birthday. A reminder of the day God delivered me out of darkness and into light. out of deserving punishment of my sins and into righteousness through faith in Christ. I would say that THAT day is more important and the better reason to celebrate than the day I was born.

I was so blessed to be able to share this day with my community of brothers and sister in Life Group, praising God together and worshipping Him for who He is and what He has done for us. This was the best way I could've wished for to spend the night. I pray that every Feb. 24, for the rest of my life here on earth, I would remember the Cross and Praise God for my Re-birthday.

Monday Morning 2/23/09

These two songs/lyrics came to me as I was praying this morning:

"All of life comes down to just one thing, that's to know You, O Jesus, and make you known."

biblical? I think so? and...

"Send revival, start with me."

humbling.

The Best is Yet to Come

You've shown Your love in a mysterious way
on a very random, seemingly-unspecial day
in a way I still don't fully understand
and definitely not according to what I had planned

I'm at lost for words to explain what's inside me for real
because I don't know how I am to feel
cuz even when I've revealed my sin to someone
does that mean the fight is done? Have I won?

In this instance, yes.
the battle in my mind, to share or not to share, yet...
the fight is not done done.
cuz only for this One instance, this One battle was won.

There will be many more Mind battles to come still,
especially when I'm alone, in the dark, unseen to others, with some time to kill
That's when those thoughts crawl in and grab hold of my heel.
Not even so.
cuz even when I'm around others, they don't know what's going on inside my head.
God, I hope they never will cuz If they do, I'd be dead
from my own shame, and drowning in my guilt while laying in my bed.

But you know what,
I'm glad I've shared cuz this burden is SO much lighter
Just as You've said, Confess your sins to one another and Pray for one another
So what?! SO THAT YOU MAY BE HEALED!!!

What more can I say now, but praise be to God!
for His light overcomes darkness
He draws near to us in our times of brokenness.
He is our hope, in our desparity
He is our rock, in our uncertainty.
We can never stray too far out of His sight.
AWAY from here, Satan! you have no place in the light!

Thank You, Lord, for this random, seemingly-unspecial, blessed, tearful, and joyous night. Amen.

Prayer Walk

Minnie and I went on a prayer walk today for our LCG even though it was windy and cold outside. I must have walked around campus at least 3 times. haha. The cool part was we ran into a lot of our Life Group members: Inhae, Hyung Seo, Peter, and Jay. We prayed for each person that we saw, plus Hannah and Jennifer, for ACW, for an awakening for this campus, breaking down of divisions, for broomball and ppl we know who are coming by name, learning to be a living sacrifice in our daily decisions, our LCG, for the Grad Life Group, HMCC leaders, school's admins for wisdom and direction, for us to dream bigger, to see more of God's vision for this campus and his ppl, for our hearts to break when we see the homeless or just the brokeness of this world and not become numb to them, .... i know there was more, but I can't remember =P Minnie, help!

One thing I realized during the prayer walk was that I kept looking down at the ground when I walked. it wasn't just bc it was cold. but I think I walk looking down most of the time. I was reminded many times to look up, look around campus, look at the people you're walking past. God was telling me, "LOOK UP! these are all people that NEED ME!" I was reminded to pray bigger prayers, knowing and trusting in God's mightiness and faithfulness. reminded through Exodus that God WANTS to dwell amongst His people. He desires to be intimate with us. and He accomplishes that through the Holy Spirit in the NT. Thank you, Lord.

Lord, You desire to break down racial/class/gender barriers. You are mighty to save. Amen.

Downtown to Yorktown

I missed the 8:30 train to go home this morning. dang they leave on time. I ran into the station at exactly 8:29:57. it JUST turned 8:30 when I got to the gate when the train was departing. I stood by the train, as passengers inside stared at me, and its engine started. I was literally talking to the train and asking God to have mercy on me for being late 30 SECONDS (cuz the next train would be in 2 hrs). However, the train began to leave. I just stood there, panting from running, and my head down. BUT THEN, the train came to a HALT. i thought it was going to open its doors to let me in..... but nope. the wheels started to role again and it left for good this time. This was the consequence I had to pay for waking up late. but THANK GOD that He isn't like the train or the conductor in that He is ABUNDANT in His mercy and His Grace is sufficient. Amen!

I decided to go to Corner Bakery inside Union Station for breakfast and to read Exodus (I've been going through Exodus with my friend Minhee). I ordered "Honey Banana Oatmeal." It had dried cranberries, skim milk, and granola in it as well. It was delicious! but it better be delicious since it cost $4.45 for oatmeal (O.o). but in any case, I also received a free bread thingy cuz I had to wait 10 minutes. so the oatmeal was fresh, too! free food = extra blessing =)

My dad picked me up from the Downtown Downers Grove station and brought me to Yorktown, where he works. I told him last night that I went home that I wanted to go to work with him. So right now, I'm sitting inside the food court of Yorktown Mall, next to the garbage bin, watching my Dad work. It's actually kinda fun, watching him in a suite and tie, wearing his "old man" glasses, working the cashier, smiling and greeting the customers, watching the steady stream of customers to his store, seeing the many drinks of the people around me with a "Sarku Japan" labeling. I'm proud of him. For 20+ yrs he's been working in the foods department, he's been in the back, cooking, never actually seeing the people he was serving. Not receiving their "thank you's" and "this is delicious" comments. never really able to practice his English. up until now. I feel like he's always been gifted in interacting and relating to people. he's just never really had the chance to do that in America. He's definitely a people person. He's one of those guys that brings life to the party with his outgoingness and jokes. especially in Taiwan. He had a TON of friends. He lost a lot of that part of himself living in America all these years. So, it's good to see him able to interact with people, use his English, smile at customers. He looks good! I'm happy.

My Awesome, Busy, and Blessed Day!

7am- I woke up to do some unfinished hwk
8:30-9:45am- met up with P.Jimmy for coffee hour
10-10:30am- went to Dominick's to buy chocolate cake (for a NK Peace bake sale) and Arizona Iced tea (for my friend)
11-11:30am- had a conference with my teacher over a really crappy paper I wrote
11:30-12:15 I made a care package of arizona iced tea, bakery from Chinatown, and peach gummies for my friend who is going through a VERY tough week of midterms. AND i wrote a poem for her in the card! =)
12:30-1:45pm- went to my South Asian Literature Studies class
1:45-2:30pm- studied for my Spanish Exam at 3pm
3-4pm- took my Spanish chapter exam
4-5:15pm- went to my "Social Problems" class
5:30-6pm- David Dolvio treated me to "Mango something Toppler" at Jamba Juice. We went with Tito and Kristine.
6-6:30pm- dropped off the care package to my friend
6:30-7pm- went to McDonald's in Union Station to redeem a free Big Mac from a coupon I received from the Bulls game I went to this past tuesday. but as I stood in front of McD's I realized I don't need this free Big Mac, so why not give it to someone who does. I walked around Union station to look for a person asking for money to give the coupon to. The woman was standing on Jackson right before crossing the bridge.
7:05pm- As I was waiting for the 60 bus on Clinton, I ran into Carthic, who is a grad student that came out to Life group a few times. We got into a nice conversation and he said he'll try to make it out to Service this Sunday!
7:15pm- went to my school's cafeteria for dinner: roast beef sandwich
7:30-8:30pm- met up with Rinnie (sp?), Katharine, and Angela to decide shirt designs for All Campus Worship. Angela is gifted in Photo Shop.
9-10pm- watched America's Best Dance Crew in Cordova's room.
10:30-12:30am- had an awesome conversation with Jessica Hwang about many topics, but mostly about what I've been learning at HMCC.
12:30-now (2:018am)- AIM and facebook and blogging! XP
next... shower and homework...
welcome to the life of a college student! (O.O)

Bulls Win!

I went to a Bulls game today with my relatives and met up with the Grad. Life Group for the last quarter of the game. BULLS BEAT PISTONS (sorry Sandy and Joanna)!!!! 107 to 105. the bulls were still down 10pts. with 5min. But somehow, they came back! and with 16sec. left, Gordan scored a 3 pointer (plus a foul!) taking the Bulls to the lead (with Rose assist). It was SOOOO exciting! I was going crazy!!

ANNNNDDD.... WE SAW MICHAEL JORDAN AND SCOTTIE PIPPEN!!!!! They were here for the Johnny "Red" Kerr dedication which occurred at half time. It was quite exciting! And, Obama also appeared on a video congratulating Kerr on his achievements.

Is Chop Suey "Real" Chinese Food?

I went to the Hull House Rethinking Soup presentation today. They served Won Ton Soup. The speaker was Monica Eng, who is the writer of the foods section in the Chicago Tribune. She spoke about the history of Chinese food in Chicago. I found the presentation fascinating because I always wondered how Chop Suey and other "Chinese foods for Caucasians" came to be. I learned that the various types of Chinese food is intricately linked with our political and economical history. For instance, the Chinese Exclusion and the various waves of different Asian immigrants had a huge effect on the types of Chinese food being served, from the city out to the suburbs. She also shared about some of the other projects she's working on, just looking into the conditions of the CPS lunch program and possible ways to improve it. As she was talking and sharing her stories, ideas, places she's eaten, and answering questions, it made me really want to pursue a career that somehow deals with food and nutrition and education. Oh, and I went to my honors class late purposely so I could hear her presentation. My fascination with food and Asian American history kept me there, even though I knew I had an in class essay that I would miss. I felt like this was something important. I don't know how to describe it, but I just felt like I really had to be there because I knew it would impact me in some way. But yeah, a career that combines food, nutrition, education, and various cultures really interests me. I'm gunna look into that. =)

I wanna say something

... but i don't know what to say. I feel like I have a lot of things on my mind lately. but I can't seem to talk about them. You kno sometimes when a bunch of things go on in your mind, they stay there for a few seconds, and then some other thought buds in. and a few seconds later, the first thought comes back. Here are thing that keep coming in and out of my thoughts: my sister, my mom, my major, Kevin, HMCC membership, home cooked meal, Owls, Chem Exam tomorrow, Eric, my dad, Sakura Terryaki Chicken, summer missions, how much I miss Taiwan, Life Group people, Remedy, Exodus, chocolate, meeting up with P. Jimmy, my legs are sore, how do I want to impact others, cooking, blogging, facebooking, God, people I've been trying to reach out to.... I think those are the main things as of now.

I love Mommy!

I saw my mom through Skype today for the first time in 5 months. I was so happy I cried. Just a little bit. =) I really miss my sister and mom. Thank you Lord for creating Skype for me to see them on web cam.

You know what my mom's first reaction were after seeing me for the first time in 5 months?
"Do something with medical so you can get a good job in this economy" and "Did you get chubbier? because you look chubbier. hahaha." -_- I love you, too, Ma.

Today was a good day. I did my QT first thing in the morning (hope I can keep it up). during it, I met a guy name Mike that came and sat by me. He was pretty cool. He asked me what I was doing. and I told him I was praying for various countries and reading the Bible. he gave that "hmm.. interesting" look. and I told him reading the Bible IS interesting and even exciting. Then, I went to the gym with Minhee from 10-11am. I ate breakfast with E.Chung, Alyson, Matt, and David Dolvio. I showered, got my paperwork done for America Reads, and went to class. After class, I went to TBH for discipleship. Afterwards, Yoon Sun cooked a delicious Korean meal for us. came back to CMW. Juhae texted me bout ACW meeting. so i went to that. chatted with Rinee, Katharine, Mina, Juhae, and Sharon a little. went back to my dorm, talked on Skype again with my sister and mom! chatted on AIM with Minnie and ooyoo. and now blogging. Thanks for a blessed day, Lord!

Prison Industrial Complex

I was first introduced to this topic by my sister during my second semester of senior year in high school. Then, the topic was also discussed in my African American Politics and Culture class. And AGAIN, in my Sociology class this semester. I've been fortunate to have encountered this subject even just within my first year of college. I don't care if someone's a biology, chemistry, architecture, art, or music major, I think people are deprived of their education if they've never learned about the Prison Industrial Complex sometime in their college career. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. Maybe because I was just so bothered by this fact when I finally understood more of it this semester. I feel like it's my obligation to inform others, to spread awareness. It's probably the only thing I can do right now. So this is why I'm writing this on a Saturday morning (not even for an assignment, but just because) when I should be doing OWL home work. =P

It is not a phenomenon, because it's been going on for years. It is a perfect example of how our society participates, reproduces, and enforces a social institution without even knowing it, ignorant of the things going around us without giving them a second thought of how it came to be. So what is it? What is the Prison Industrial Complex? We can look to Angela Davis for the answer to this question. In her article "Masked Racism: Reflections on the Prison Industrial Complex," Davis asserts that Americans are tricked into believing in the "magic" of the prison system. People are bought into thinking that imprisonment is the solution to social problems of poverty, drugs, or murder. However, "prisons do not disappear problems, they disappear human beings. And the practice of disappearing vast number of people from poor, immigrant, and racially marginalized communities has literally become BIG BUSINESS."

Basically, the prison system is a business, a systematic cooperation between the government and private corporations to gain free labor and capital. And we, being consumers and participants of a society gripped by the fear of crime, are also involved. Here’s what basically going on (some direct quotes from Davis): Prisons are being privatized (not government run) and are even held less accountable for violation of international human rights standards. Government contracts to build prisons have bolstered the construction industry. Technology developed for the military by companies are being marketed for use in law enforcement and punishment. Prison construction bond holders are also leading financier for tapping into this profitable investment. Numerous companies (such as Motorola, IBM, Compaq, Microsoft, Boeing, Victoria Secret, Chevron, Revlon, and Nordstrom) are using FREE prison labor. “For private business, prison labor is like a pot of gold. No strikes. No union organizing. No health benefits, unemployment insurance, or workers’ compensation to pay,” write Eve Goldberg and Linda Evans.

What is the effect of prison labor? Davis writes, “The penal system itself does not produce wealth. It devours the social wealth that could be used to subsidize housing for the homeless, to ameliorate public education for the poor and racially marginalized communities, to open free drug rehabilitation programs for people who wish to kick their habits, to eradicate a national health care system, to expand programs to combat HIV, to eradicate domestic abuse—and, in the process, to create well-paying jobs for the unemployed.”

There’s a whole other section about racialized criminality and how the political economy of prisons relies on colored bodies that David talks about, but I won’t get to my homework if I continue. I don’t know what I can do knowing all this. Maybe I’ll become an activist one day. But I know I’ll encounter many other causes, social problems to fight for, not just this one. I guess writing this is just a way for me to internalize things I read/learn in class. I don’t have a good way to sum this up. I just want people to know about this, too.

Daaaang (looking back on what I wrote)…. I better be able to use this as an assignment in one of my classes.

What To Do...

This past weekend and even now I've been thinking a lot of what to do in the summer. There's seriously so many things I can do. but I'm not sure what God wants me to do. HMCC if doing summer missions in Chicago this time. and i want to be apart of it because I really want to know the needs of this city and how i can serve the city. it's kinda the reason i came to UIC. to be IN the city and... iunno... I know there are so much need. but I don't know where or how. i havent gone out to volunteer at food pantries or homeless shelters. as UIC students, there are plenty of opportunities to do that. I just havent taken any of them. but anyway, I'm not sure what God is calling me to do. I need to pray more about it. please pray for me, and many people at HMCC who are still deciding as well.

AND the spring break trip to Louisiana of course. I want to go to that, too. Oy.... head hurting >.<

Blah-ing... about a lot of things

I'm at the Chicago Public Library in Downtown with Stella right now. I don't feel like doing my chem. OWL hwk, so I'm doing this instead. I've been thinking about a lot of things these past 2 weeks. some random, but some have been in my mind for a while.

we had prayer meeting each day leading up to the HMCC retreat last week. during those times, I was terribly distracted and felt sorta numb; I couldn't "feel" the holy spirit moving. I didn't have words when I tried to pray. I couldn't quite sing the songs that we were singing because I felt uneasy singing those words for some reason. I think it was because I had sins I hadn't repent at that time. I have to say, I wasn't very excited for the retreat. I was excited b/c much more UIC ppl were going this time, but now that I reflect on it, I wasn't too thrilled about encountering God. I think it all began that last week of winter break, after I came back from the LWEC retreat. I barely did anything that week, or at least anything productive. and I certainly didn't turn to God or read his word. instead I chose to watch dramas and go to my cousin's house and watch more dramas. I don't realize how much NOT seeking God for a week can affect me and my spiritual walk. Coming back to school and HMCC was tough in the sense that I knew I had deliberately lived for myself and my own pleasures that last week of break instead of living for Christ. and I found it hard turning back to him. I felt like a hypocrite, a stubburn and foolish child. I think this was why I felt distracted and numb going into the HMCC retreat.

The theme of the retreat was "Poured Out." interesting. what does it mean to be poured out? I'm still trying to understand what that means and must look like in my life. cuz to tell you the truth. I don't think I'm living a life "poured out" for Christ. It helped when P.Seth explained about the vision of the church on Sat. morning. why he really believes in church planting and especially on college campuses. and how we should choose a career in any area to be used for God's glory in very practical ways. two groups gave short presentations on Transform___ (something). but basically they are projects that we as HMCC can participate in to reach out into our communities and "transform" lives. I got really excited when Olivia and Zen were presenting about Rogers Park. I hadn't heard anyone talk about it before, so it kinda took me by surprise. but it was a good surprise. I want to get to know Olivia more. she seems really cool. actually, all the freshmens at NU seem really cool. I hope I'll get to know that better this coming semester and the years to come. but anyway, back to what i was saying about being poured out. I'm starting to catch that vision a little bit more. It's quite a Big vision and "grandios" if you think about it. but I think is biblical. It's what God calls us to do. and I think that kind of life, a life poured out for Christ, is much more exciting and purposeful (and biblical) than half-assing (or not giving it all) in this spiritual journey.

I want to live a life poured out. i do. what's stopping me? I'm pretty sure it's my pride and selfishness and self-righteousness. i often have to remind myself that I dont deserve anything. i dont deserve the blessings, the talents, the praise i receive. It's all by God's grace. but I sometimes forget. or sometimes i knowing try to take some ownership of what I've accomplished. sometimes I think I'm worthy of the praise I receive from others. sigh... Sherry, you're so foolish. thats what God tells me. and then I'm like "but... but... but..." but nothing. when I look to what Christ did on the cross, any sense of self-righteousness or worthiness is wiped away. Thank God that salvation is happening daily. Thank God for sactification. Thank God for continuingly molding me, shaping me. Thank God that He loves me enough to not let me stay as I am, but wants to change me to become a more beautiful daughter that can bring more glory to Him who saved me.

Stella is studying dilligently. I.... am not.

I've been thinking about Nikki again. I dont know if I should contact her. I still don't feel ready. what am I scared about if I know I'm holding onto the truth? I dunno. maybe cuz I still don't think I can defend it as well as she can defend hers. yet, I want to tell her the Truth of salvation by faith through grace alone, not just for her, but especially since she's teaching other people her belief on baptism, which I believe are not correct. I want to finish this book that i started talking about baptism first, and study on discipleship, what being a disciple means, and how the term is used in the bible.

I've also been thinking about the... "interesting" people that I/HMCC have encountered. like Josh the other day. that monday we came back from break, we were all eating at West side cafeteria. and this random dude Josh came by. and he's kinda different. kinda awkward. and kinda hard to talk to. and Hus. the same thing. I feel like I'm in high school, deciding to sit with the kid who no one wants to sit with at the lunch table or to sit with my friends. It's hard to say. I want to show Christ's love on 'em, but I'm kinda scared to. this led me to thinking, is God's love selective? No! God loves each and every person he created. So, why do i question myself on whether to ask them to come to HMCC? I already sense from other people from HMCC (including myself) that we don't want "that kind of people" at HMCC. that sounds kinda bad, but I'm sad to say it's kinda true. should I just invite them anyway? I feel like, HMCC already has challenges to deal with being a church plant. I don't know if bringing in people that can make it a little hard will help. but I, again, remind myself that's not a decision I should be making. and having a preconcieved notion that Hus or Josh will cause "trouble" at HMCC is also wrong. I'm totally NOT pointing the finger at anyone BUT myself right now btw. cuz I think God's been placing them on my heart cuz I keep thinking about them. I just know that I can tell that they don't have many people who are willing to talk to them, or reach out them. so when we did, they kinda held onto us like a leach. Hus immidiately took every opportunity to hang out with HMCCers at Joyees, shopping, running. and Josh kinda just followed us into Tia's room. >.< In any case, I hope to talk to P.Jimmy or someone about these concerns of mine. but one thing i gotta keep in mind is that it's not about me, or even about HMCC. it's about Jesus. its ALL about Jesus.

Oh! Barack Obama was inaugurated yesterday to become the 44th president of the U.S. Cool!

I've been craving the chicken from "Take Me Out." Mmm.... can't wait for Superbowl Sunday!

Ok, that's all the Blahing for now. OWL time.

Classes

I'm liking my classes and teacher for the most part this semester. i decided to drop history because I felt like it's gunna be a repeat of what I learned in APUSH. i signed up for SOC 105 like 30min before that class. i took the last open spot. I'm looking forward to the class cuz we're gunna be discussing Social Problems (hence the title of the class) and Franklin (my cousin) is in it! haha. never thought I'd be in a class with my cousin. =) I'm a little nervous about Spanish cuz my teacher, Javier, says we can only speak spanish in the class room and he speaks REALLY fast. but i guess its a good thing. it's wut i wanted, to be able to speak spanish semi-fluently. or at least good enough to make conversations. i'm gunna try really hard to speak up in class. I'm excited for my Honors core class, too! i hated... well, really disliked the first semester of honors core, but this semester, my prof. seems really cool and intelligent and experienced. she's old, but she's got spunk. despite the fact that we'll be reading 8 books total this semester, which is like one book per 2 weeks, I'm looking forward to it. the class is about South Asian Literature. we'll be studying about post-colonial years in South Asia, concentrating mostly on India and Pakistan.

This semester is definitely gunna be a challenge. My classes this semester are harder, im gunna need to spend more time on hwk and reading. and I'll be working for the America Reads Program. each day are going to be full days from 8-5pm. wow. now aside from work and academics, I plan to wake up early to do QT, fit in working out each day somehow, fit in ultimate firsbee somehow, and of course there's Life Group. and if there's time, i'm thinking about joining AASIA and EVO, just to meet more people and make new friends. but it's only if i can handle it. I feel like I've done this all my HS career. people say I'm spreading myself to thin. but I really enjoy doing everything I possibly can. yes, i drop the ball sometimes cuz i have so many commitments, but i never regretted doing any of the activities cuz the memories and relationships i build are so worth it. I do need to pray for discernment. if God wants me to just focus on a few things, that I'm willing to listen and follow. or perhaps I'll just realize that I can't do it all when i become burnt out by the 5th week of school. eek. but please pray for me for better time management and that above all these things, my relationship with God comes first.

2nd Semester Kicks Off

The first day back was nice. despite not being able to fall asleep Sunday night, I got up on time to pray and spend some time in God's word, reading Isaiah. ate breakfast with Kristine, Joe, Josh, Sherry, and Martin. went to History at 10am. Jennifer (from HMCC) is in my class! Then, I went to the gym to work out with Hyun Seo. showered. napped for 1/2 hour. went to Chem from 3-5pm. had dinner with Jeka, Amber, Beth, and a bunch of AAIV people. I totally forgot about the 21 Day Daniel Fast thingy -_- I ate turkey with stuffing and cranberry..... and it was delicious =P Then, I met up with David and Tito to head over to SRH to meet up with Tia, Yoon Sun, Minnie, ooyoo, Anthony, Stella, and Josh (who we just met) and i had a 2nd dinner. i still forgot about the Fast and ate a delicious Tuna sandwich..... this was when I realized everyone was only eating vegetables and Yoon Sun finally told me. I think I forgot because I didn't really want to do it. if i did, I would have cared more and not have forgotten. but even if I don't really want to do it, I'm going to, not because other people are... well, maybe thats part of the reason, but I'm going to do the Fast because I think it's necessary, for me to focus on God. I'm gunna try Really hard to do QTs and pray everyday (esp during the fast).

Oh!! I almost forgot! two things that made my first day back EVEN better (aside from seeing everyone again).....(1) I GOT A HUG From JUHAE!!!!! Hahaha. WOohoo!! I was so excited (if u can't tell) that i held on to her as long as i could until she had to pry me off of her. haha. this was while I was walking back to my dorm after working out, and she was like... eww, you're swetty, and then pulled me off. STILL, I was overjoyed! =D
(2) I received a BIG package full of snacks and notes from the youths from my home church, CCMC. one of the note said "Hug me!"- Emeth. hehehe. this made me smile. =)
AND I received a letter from my sister from Taiwan! Taiwanese Christmas cards are the best. haha.

Thanks God!

First Official Bummage This Winter Break

After the LWEC Retreat for 4 days followed by a ski/snowboarding trip for 2 days, I was ready for a day of bummage. Today (Monday), I slept till 3pm! I didn't mean to, but I haven't slept so well in a while. I was woken up by one of those "hmm... I feel very refreshed and my body feels renewed" type of thought and realized that I had overslept. But anyway, I did nothing productive except wash my 3 loads of clothes. =P Oh! and I cooked dinner for myself! I fried up some tofu with green onion and stir fried some Bok Choy. They were quite delicious might I say so myself ;) hmmm... I started a new korean drama called "On Air." My sister recommended it to me this past summer. It's ok so far. it's not as good as Hong Gil Dong. Iunno if anything can beat Hong Gil Dong actually. I miss Carrie. Carrie, I miss you! Praying for you and your job situation. I'm contemplating about whether I should go back to Taiwan this summer beginning of May.

Reasons not to: Marco and Leo won't be going back this summer, Hyung seo is going back to Korea the end of May, missions possibly in the city with HMCC, I can't really travel on my own =(, and without Dad I can't get all the free food from his buddies' stores.

Reasons to go: see Carrie, Cindy, Mom, family, Jenny and Sharon (from TAF), Kitty and Sherry possibly.