Blah-ing... about a lot of things

I'm at the Chicago Public Library in Downtown with Stella right now. I don't feel like doing my chem. OWL hwk, so I'm doing this instead. I've been thinking about a lot of things these past 2 weeks. some random, but some have been in my mind for a while.

we had prayer meeting each day leading up to the HMCC retreat last week. during those times, I was terribly distracted and felt sorta numb; I couldn't "feel" the holy spirit moving. I didn't have words when I tried to pray. I couldn't quite sing the songs that we were singing because I felt uneasy singing those words for some reason. I think it was because I had sins I hadn't repent at that time. I have to say, I wasn't very excited for the retreat. I was excited b/c much more UIC ppl were going this time, but now that I reflect on it, I wasn't too thrilled about encountering God. I think it all began that last week of winter break, after I came back from the LWEC retreat. I barely did anything that week, or at least anything productive. and I certainly didn't turn to God or read his word. instead I chose to watch dramas and go to my cousin's house and watch more dramas. I don't realize how much NOT seeking God for a week can affect me and my spiritual walk. Coming back to school and HMCC was tough in the sense that I knew I had deliberately lived for myself and my own pleasures that last week of break instead of living for Christ. and I found it hard turning back to him. I felt like a hypocrite, a stubburn and foolish child. I think this was why I felt distracted and numb going into the HMCC retreat.

The theme of the retreat was "Poured Out." interesting. what does it mean to be poured out? I'm still trying to understand what that means and must look like in my life. cuz to tell you the truth. I don't think I'm living a life "poured out" for Christ. It helped when P.Seth explained about the vision of the church on Sat. morning. why he really believes in church planting and especially on college campuses. and how we should choose a career in any area to be used for God's glory in very practical ways. two groups gave short presentations on Transform___ (something). but basically they are projects that we as HMCC can participate in to reach out into our communities and "transform" lives. I got really excited when Olivia and Zen were presenting about Rogers Park. I hadn't heard anyone talk about it before, so it kinda took me by surprise. but it was a good surprise. I want to get to know Olivia more. she seems really cool. actually, all the freshmens at NU seem really cool. I hope I'll get to know that better this coming semester and the years to come. but anyway, back to what i was saying about being poured out. I'm starting to catch that vision a little bit more. It's quite a Big vision and "grandios" if you think about it. but I think is biblical. It's what God calls us to do. and I think that kind of life, a life poured out for Christ, is much more exciting and purposeful (and biblical) than half-assing (or not giving it all) in this spiritual journey.

I want to live a life poured out. i do. what's stopping me? I'm pretty sure it's my pride and selfishness and self-righteousness. i often have to remind myself that I dont deserve anything. i dont deserve the blessings, the talents, the praise i receive. It's all by God's grace. but I sometimes forget. or sometimes i knowing try to take some ownership of what I've accomplished. sometimes I think I'm worthy of the praise I receive from others. sigh... Sherry, you're so foolish. thats what God tells me. and then I'm like "but... but... but..." but nothing. when I look to what Christ did on the cross, any sense of self-righteousness or worthiness is wiped away. Thank God that salvation is happening daily. Thank God for sactification. Thank God for continuingly molding me, shaping me. Thank God that He loves me enough to not let me stay as I am, but wants to change me to become a more beautiful daughter that can bring more glory to Him who saved me.

Stella is studying dilligently. I.... am not.

I've been thinking about Nikki again. I dont know if I should contact her. I still don't feel ready. what am I scared about if I know I'm holding onto the truth? I dunno. maybe cuz I still don't think I can defend it as well as she can defend hers. yet, I want to tell her the Truth of salvation by faith through grace alone, not just for her, but especially since she's teaching other people her belief on baptism, which I believe are not correct. I want to finish this book that i started talking about baptism first, and study on discipleship, what being a disciple means, and how the term is used in the bible.

I've also been thinking about the... "interesting" people that I/HMCC have encountered. like Josh the other day. that monday we came back from break, we were all eating at West side cafeteria. and this random dude Josh came by. and he's kinda different. kinda awkward. and kinda hard to talk to. and Hus. the same thing. I feel like I'm in high school, deciding to sit with the kid who no one wants to sit with at the lunch table or to sit with my friends. It's hard to say. I want to show Christ's love on 'em, but I'm kinda scared to. this led me to thinking, is God's love selective? No! God loves each and every person he created. So, why do i question myself on whether to ask them to come to HMCC? I already sense from other people from HMCC (including myself) that we don't want "that kind of people" at HMCC. that sounds kinda bad, but I'm sad to say it's kinda true. should I just invite them anyway? I feel like, HMCC already has challenges to deal with being a church plant. I don't know if bringing in people that can make it a little hard will help. but I, again, remind myself that's not a decision I should be making. and having a preconcieved notion that Hus or Josh will cause "trouble" at HMCC is also wrong. I'm totally NOT pointing the finger at anyone BUT myself right now btw. cuz I think God's been placing them on my heart cuz I keep thinking about them. I just know that I can tell that they don't have many people who are willing to talk to them, or reach out them. so when we did, they kinda held onto us like a leach. Hus immidiately took every opportunity to hang out with HMCCers at Joyees, shopping, running. and Josh kinda just followed us into Tia's room. >.< In any case, I hope to talk to P.Jimmy or someone about these concerns of mine. but one thing i gotta keep in mind is that it's not about me, or even about HMCC. it's about Jesus. its ALL about Jesus.

Oh! Barack Obama was inaugurated yesterday to become the 44th president of the U.S. Cool!

I've been craving the chicken from "Take Me Out." Mmm.... can't wait for Superbowl Sunday!

Ok, that's all the Blahing for now. OWL time.